Oceans of Garbage

Both Barack Obama and John McCain have publicly referred to their goals of reducing US dependence on foreign oil.  Yet neither of them has bothered to say what (if anything) that might actually mean.  Probably, they’re talking about oil shale, drilling in the Arctic, and colonization of Iraq and Iran (just kidding - or am I?).  The goal is presumably to reduce foreign oil by increasing domestic oil, mostly via methods that have been abandoned in the past as being too costly, inefficient, and unpopular.

But wouldn’t it be so much easier and cheaper to just reduce our oil consumption, to the point where current US production is enough to cover us?  I’m not going to tell you how much oil the US uses each year, you should be able to look that up for yourself (hint: try an almanac), but I will tell you that 55% of our oil is imported.  Mathematically speaking, if we reduced oil consumption by 55%, our dependence on foreign oil would instantly be over.  Problem solved.  So how do we do that?  The biggest use of oil by far is for energy.  69% of oil energy is devoted to transportation.  It seems clear to me that planes, trains, and automobiles are the best place to start cutbacks.  Here are a few ideas:

1. HOV Lanes: Currently, most city freeways have a single lane dedicated to carpools, buses, and other multi-passenger vehicles, and 3-6 lanes for everyone else.  The basic idea is to reward those who don’t drive alone.  That’s nice, but it’s not enough - to reduce oil dependence, we need to punish those who do drive alone.  So switch the lanes.  Carpools and buses get 4 lanes all to themselves, and those who are too good for mass transit all have to cram into a single lane.  When a half-hour commute turns into a 6-hour commute overnight, people will be begging to join carpools, and complaining about the lack of mass transit options to city officials.  I bet we could get half the cars off the road during rush hour that way, making commuting safer and less stressful.  Cost of this idea - basically free, as sign maintenance and line-painting are already accounted for in city, state, and federal transportation budgets.

2. Fuel economy: set a minimum of 20 miles per gallon, and get rid of all vehicles that don’t cut it (excluding military vehicles).  Oh sure, there’s plenty of people who think they need a 6mpg SUV to get up their driveway or haul their boat to the lake, and we’ll let them have their vehicles - at an additional licensing fee of at least $500 per year.  That licensing fee helps pay tax credits to those who buy economic vehicles - 40mpg gets you 1 point, 60mpg gets you 2 points, 80 gets you 3, etc., with each point being assigned a dollar value.  After 5 years, the minimum goes up to 25, and the credit scale will adjust along with it.  With the right incentives, automakers will jump over themselves to make more efficient cars for us to leave in the garage while commuting.  Cost - fees and payouts will lead to a cash surplus in the beginning, but will hopefully balance over time, making this another no-cost proposal.

3. Electric trains: our stuff has to be shipped across the country, but we don’t need to use diesel fuel (aka foreign oil) to do it.  We have plenty of sunshine and wind right here, let’s power our trains with it.  Electric trains can be found all over the world, and they are just as able as their diesel cousins to pull a heavy load.  Wire up all the tracks, and attach the wires to the national power grid.  We can use wind and solar power to enhance the output of the grid, and battery technology to store excess for times of need.  Hey, why not put little windmills next to the train tracks, so that the trains can create electricity just by driving by?  Eventually, the electric trains would be so efficient and cheap that many long-haul trucks can be replaced, saving even more diesel fuel (and getting those menaces off the highways).  Cost - enormous, but electrical technology will have so many great side effects that it will be worth it in the long run.

4. End auto-racing: the dumbest thing you can do with a precious product like gasoline is burn it up driving around in a circle.  Seriously, do the math - the 2008 NASCAR Sprint Cup Series includes 41 races, totalling 17,160 miles of track.  There’s about 50 drivers, but not all of them qualify, and not all of them finish the whole race, so I’ll be fair and say that there are 45 cars in each race.  And the official word on Google is that NASCAR vehicles average about 4.5 miles per gallon.  Meaning that the 2008 Sprint Cup Series will eat up 171,600 gallons of gasoline.  That doesn’t even account for practice runs, qualifying races, transporting the cars from venue to venue, and the gas guzzled by spectators, the crews, and other race personnel.  And that’s just one racing series!  There’s a couple other NASCAR series, Formula-1, and hosts of others to deal with.  Not to mention top-fuel dragsters, monster truck madness, and all the other gas-hogging arena and speedway events.  Cost to end organized auto-racing - zero dollars and zero cents.

That’s four ideas that we could get started on today.  Hell, we could have started on it 20 years ago.  But the last few administrations haven’t been interested in reducing oil consumption, and I see no indications that the administration of the next four years will be any better.  Oil is such a big business that even if their profit margins were less than one percent, oil companies could still make trillions of dollars collectively.  It’s in their best interest to increase our consumption, and it’s also in their best interest to make sure the president works in their best interest, which is why they spend so much money on lobbying and electioneering.

So don’t get your hopes up for a sane energy or foreign trade policy from the next president.  Instead, prepare yourself for endless hype about fuel efficient cars (which get worse mileage than a ‘78 Volkswagen), endless hype about how oil companies aren’t the bad guys, and endless hype about how Iran, another oil-rich nation, is doing something wrong.  But all hope is not lost.  You can still reduce your own fuel consumption.  Not because you made a hollow campaign promise, but because it’s the right thing to do for our society, our future, and our environment.

But it’s nice to know that I could.  The State of California has legalized gay marriage, and the state courts have upheld it.  So starting later this month, it is an option.  That’s great, a giant step forward in the fight for social justice for people of all sexual orientations.  Unfortunately, it’s not the end of the fight.  In point of fact, it may be a hollow victory.

As I see it, there are 3 main reasons to get married.  The first is to prove and document two persons’ love for one another.  Which is mostly a symbolic thing, because the vows of marriage aren’t any sort of guarantee against infedelity.  Plus, you can express a permanent commitment to another person in the privacy of your own home - a minister and a license are not necessary.  However, the symbolism is important to some people, and the fact that I don’t give a crap doesn’t mean I have the right to deny such a gesture to anyone else.  If the sole intent of legalization was to formalize the gesture of gay marriage, then I’d say the California decision is a decisive win.

The second reason is to take advantage of state and federal tax breaks for married couples.  I don’t know what sort of provisos are riding on the California legalization for state taxes.  But I do know that the IRS isn’t ready to recognize gay marriage.  That would take a federal ruling, something that is still many, many years down the road.  Of course there’s always the option of modifying the tax code - yeah, right.  The California decision proves that legalizing gay marriage is easier (and offends less people) than federal tax reform.

And the third reason to get married is to capitalize on insurance benefits.  Marriage is the foundation of the family unit, and under current medical insurance scams, er, policies, families get benefits at reduced rates.  Most people currently get their medical insurance through their employer, and the benefits available include some sort of family inclusion plan.  Meaning that since you are automatically insured just by joining the company, your spouse and kids can also be bootstrapped into guaranteed coverage.  This avoids a lot of hassles, like admissions essays, pre-insurance exams, and pre-existing condition denials.  The thing is, though, that the insurance companies themselves are responsible for deciding what constitutes a family.  A California marriage license may not mean shit when there is a sexual orientation question on your insurance application.  The State of California cannot force insurance providers to recognize its definition of marriage.  The good news, though, is that I strongly believe that health insurance reform is coming soon, probably within the next 2 years.  Certainly, we will see some sort of reform before gay marriage is federally accepted.  Although the specific character of those reforms is yet to be seen, I’m hoping they will alleviate many of the concerns people have about coverage and hassles.

The victory in California is largely a symbolic one.  The State of California has sent a message to the American people that change is inevitable, and it is coming, perhaps sooner than anyone thought.  But this is, to turn a phrase, one giant leap for man, one small step for mankind.  There’s a lot more work to be done - minds to change, hearts to enlighten, and policies to be hammered out.

Hey, at least we’re moving in the right direction!

What is punk? It’s not chains or Manic Panic or spikes or mohawks or anything you can buy at Hot Topic. It’s not nihilism or anarchy or violence or straightedge. And it’s not DIY or moshpits or any of that crap either. So what the hell is it really all about?

As Johnny Rotten of the Sex Pistols wrote:

I always hoped I made it completely clear that I was as deeply confused as the next person. That’s why I’m doing this. In fact, more so. I wouldn’t be up there on stage night after night unless I was deeply confused, too. If I had all the answers, I wouldn’t be involved in something like this at all.

respectfully quoted from “Rotten: No Irish, No Blacks, No Dogs” by John Lydon, 1994

That, my friends, is what punk is.

Playstation3 and Xbox360 can suck it. Actually, so can the Wii and the Gamecube. I got a Nintendo DS Lite a few days ago, and it is one of the most impressive pieces of electronics I have ever owned. For starters, it’s small, like 2x the volume of my iPod, and fits in a pocket easily. Second, it’s battery life is really long - I think I got 25 hours out of the first charge, and the recharge time is shorter than I expected. Third, and way way way way way more important than the other 2, it plays The Legend of Zelda. And even better: The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past. Long unwieldly titles, but the greatest video games ever. EVER! Seriously, keep your Halo and your Sims. If it ain’t Zelda or Tony Hawk, I’m not really interested.

The funny thing is, I didn’t even know these games existed for the DS when I bought the thing. See, there’s the newest Zelda game which is DS native, The Phantom Hourglass. But the thing also plays Gameboy Advance games, so there’s another Zelda adventure, The Minish Cap, to experience. I figured I would play them both and then sell the thing. Little did I know that the old NES and SNES classics had been re-released in Gameboy Advance format. The longevity and value of this gorgeous white bit of electronics just doubled overnight!

It’s not just about the Zelda games, though. The DS Lite is beautifully designed, and so far incredibly functional. It’s like having a controller and a screen all in one package. There’s a stylus, too, whatever that’s for - I guess I’ll find out later. US$129 is pretty damn good for a piece of electronics that I just can’t put down. Nintendo has proven once again that they own the home video game market. This is my 6th Nintendo game system, and I have been impressed with every single one.

I’ve written about the bloated corporate machine we call the record industry before. The multi-billion dollar companies who release and over-hype garbage by the truckload are strangling artists, branding consumers as criminals, and driving popular culture into a Chernobyl-grade meltdown. I’ve also mentioned that an entrepreneur who loves music and cares about artists could make a difference and prove that it doesn’t have to be that way. Asian Man Records is a perfect example of how an indy label can make it work.

Founded by musician Mike Park in 1996, Asian Man has released hundreds of albums, including important and popular works by Alkaline Trio, Less Than Jake, Buck-O-Nine, The Queers, and The Toasters. Mike pretty much does all this by himself, working out of an office in his garage. The bands take on most of the responsibility for recording and producing the final package, and Asian Man takes care of the printing, pressing, and distribution. I can’t vouch for the business specifics, but I assume Mike takes his cut, pays back his expenses, and gives the rest of the money to the band. He probably spends less than $2000 on a small release, and earns that back pretty quickly. The bands themselves tour constantly, and sell records at every show, guaranteeing a market for the product.

Asian Man also features thriving mail/internet sales. Each release is no more than $8, brand new, beating most deals at used record shops. The mailorder business is also run from the garage. A catalog is slipped into every CD release, which is great advertisement - if you want one CD, you might want another, and here’s the catalog. Asian Man has also done a series of compilation albums called “Mailorder is Fun!” to promote home sales. Because it’s run out of a garage by a guy who really cares about music, Asian Man Records mailorder has that human side that is missing from corporate commerce. I recently ordered 4 CDs from them. I received 8. Plus 2 posters.

One of the greatest things about operating a record label is the power to direct the industry. If Mike finds a band he likes, he can get them signed and release a record. No need for the band to pander to industry tastemakers - if the band rocks, they get a record. Mike is also very devoted to peace and tolerance, and he can play politics with his records. His “Stop Racism” benefit compilation is only like $4, and the proceeds go to charity - so far he has collected over $13,000 for the Anti-Racist Action group.

Now there’s no reason why the rest of you can’t get out there and do this too. Save money by buying albums directly from independent labels. After you save $1000, help a great local band put out an album by loaning them the money to do a CD pressing. Sell the albums at the shows until you have enough to make another one. You get to choose who’s good and who sucks. You can decide what’s a fad and what’s a scene. It’s up to you whether mp3s will be available for download. And you take the power away from the greedy corporate whores who flood our airwaves and record stores with shit.

http://www.asianmanrecords.com/index.php

Here’s my 2008 Academy Award predictions. They’re extremely accurate, since the presentation ceremony was last night:

- Katherine Heigl, who is extremely pretty, will wear too much makeup and look like a plastic doll
- Tilda Swinton will wear a really odd dress that covers one arm like a cape and leaves the other arm completely bare
- Jessica Alba will staple a dead weasel to her cleavage and then spray paint it to match her dress
- Renée Zellwegger will display an upper body which makes her look more like Arnold Schwarzenegger than an Academy Award winner
- Cate Blanchett won’t win any awards, and we’ll still all know she’s the best actress in the business; and she’ll be hands down the most beautiful woman at the ceremony
- Jon Stewart will seem nervous, but do a damn good job anyway
- Amy Adams, when presenting an award, will appear to shiver from cold - probably just nerves (or drugs)
- Daniel Day Lewis will receive an award for embarassing all the other so-called actors in his category - again
- Diablo Cody will win, and display the perfect amount of gratitude and humility - but no one will notice because her dress looks like it used to be a seat cover from a hot rod
- Jennifer Hudson’s dress will confirm that she has the biggest tits ever

Although she wasn’t officially a part of the show, Barbara Walters was wearing a wickedly slit dress on her pre-show special. If she had lifted her arms above her head, I could have seen bush. There ought to be an award for that…

The following albums must be in your music collection. In no particular order:

Jawbreaker - 24 Hour Revenge Therapy (Tupelo/Communion, 1994)
One of the albums that defined the first wave of emo acts, this is the grandfather of what the kids are digging nowdays. Lead singer Blake Schwarzenbach underwent throat surgery right before the recording, so his raspy vocals set the tone for the album. That tone is pretty dark, and all the songs are about disillusionment, alienation, heartbreak, and all that other upbeat stuff. And the driving rhythm of songs like “The Boat Dreams from the Hill” and “Do You Still Hate Me” make me prefer bass to guitar. “Condition Oakland” is the no-contest winner for my favorite song of all time.

Velocity Girl - ¡Simpatico! (Sub Pop, 1994)
Compared to the other underground acts at the time, Velocity Girl had a really clean and upbeat sound. Sadly, that was their biggest setback - they were way ahead of their time. If they had released this album in 2002, indie pop lovers would have bought it like crazy. Sarah Shannon has an absolutely beautiful voice, and the bright guitars and understated rhythm section complement it wonderfully. Best songs are the minor hit “Sorry Again” and the ineffably smart “Drug Girls”.

Less Than Jake - Pezcore (Asian Man, 1995)
Punk rock + horn section = crazy good time. Less Than Jake is ridiculously fun to listen to and see live, and this album captures the spirit of their beginning perfectly. One of the few albums in history to be released on three indy labels, Less Than Jake has maintained a tradition of DIY and independent releases throughout their surprisingly long career. If you ain’t skankin’ or slammin’ to this, you just might be dead.

Juliana Hatfield - Only Everything (Mammoth/Atlantic, 1995)
What can I say about my one true love that I’ve never met? Juliana has an angel’s voice, but don’t let that fool you - she can play guitar with the best of them. The songs go from sad and heavy to upbeat and cheery - well, cheery is a relative term with this lady. “Dying Proof” is one of my favorite songs ever, and it has a lot of competition on this record.

Bad Religion - Against the Grain (Epitaph, 1990)
Tip for students - Bad Religion lyrics are a welcome addition to every essay. A verse from “Modern Man” has appeared in pretty much every history paper I have ever written. Considering that their lead singer is multiple-degreed (a rarity for melodic hardcore), they are right at home in the hallowed halls. A lot of their releases are excellent, but this one shines “like a roman fucking candle” or “a dagger in the night”.

Le Tigre - Le Tigre (Mr. Lady, 1999)
Kathleen Hanna has certainly come a long way. From riot grrl screaming in Bikini Kill, to ultra-lo-fi homebrew as Julie Ruin, and now super-poppy Le Tigre, she can do it all. What’s really amazing is that she can’t sing! Well, actually, she has a great voice, but I guarantee you she would be booed off of American Idol. Which just goes to show that TV sucks. The arrangements and catchy sci-fi hooks make this album more than just a fun day at the zoo.

Pixies - Bossanova (4AD/Elektra, 1990)
Where would we be without the Pixies? Probably still listening to Duran Duran. Every album they ever released deserves a star on the walk of fame, and picking out a favorite is like choosing which of your children you love more. But Bossanova was the first one I ever heard, so it will always have a special place in my heart. And besides, the outro of “The Happening” is one of the finer passages in modern music.

The Get Up Kids - Eudora (Vagrant, 2001)
I love this band, and their first couple albums are real heartstoppers. So why is a collection of b-sides and outtakes my favorite? Well, their covers of “Suffragette City”, “Alec Eiffel”, and “Close to Me” are a start - it’s amazing how they can pay tribute to incredible artists and yet be original at the same time. And then there’s “Central Standard Time”, another of my favorite songs. Dang, a lot of these albums are going to show up again if I do a “Top Ten Songs” post.

Sleater-Kinney - Sleater-Kinney (Chainsaw, 1995)
Corrin can wail and Carrie can scream and both can play guitar. Who’s the bass player? Nobody. But that doesn’t leave this minimalist recording sounding thin at all. The way the guitars weave in and out of each other is amazing, and this debut album was just the beginning. For a trio of girls who named their band after a freeway exit, this is top-notch stuff. “Be Yr Momma” and the appropriately named “Slow Song” are my top picks.

Public Enemy - Apocalypse 91 … The Enemy Strikes Black (Def Jam/Columbia, 1991)
The PE were infamous for long and unwieldly album titles, and this one is no exception. Fortunately, the tunes more than make up for it. The background is signature PE, with sirens, scratches, and heavy beats, but the foreground is all Chuck and Flava. None of their signature songs are on this one, but the arrangement of the tracks makes this a better album than their more famous titles. All the songs seem like they go together, and they transition nicely, especially in the first half of the album. You could dance to it, but do yourself a favor and pay attention to the words. This album is about the message, and the message is that the black community needs to get their shit together. MLK might have had a dream, but this record was George Bush’s nightmare.

Digital music is pretty cool.  I think it’s very convenient to be able to load all my music onto an iPod and carry around with me.  Listening to music while using the computer is also very awesome.  So I rip all my CDs into mp3 or m4a files.  The legality of this practice is in question.  Theoretically, I could easily transfer all my legally purchased music to a friend’s computer, which is of course technically classified by the RIAA as theft.  If I don’t, then isn’t making digital copies of the music I own for my personal use acceptable?  For the purposes of this discussion, let’s assume that it is.

Now, not all my music is on CD.  I have a library of albums on cassette and vinyl.  It’s not a lot, because I have been a regular CD user for a long time.  But there are some important albums in that library.  What if I want to use them digitally?   There’s a couple options, of varied degrees of legality.

1. Purchase a digital converter.  There are USB tape decks and turntables available for pretty cheap.  Assuming it is legal to rip CDs, it would thus be legal to rip tapes and records too.
2. Purchase the albums on CD.  I guess that’s what the RIAA wants me to do.  But haven’t I already compensated both the record company and the artist for the music?  If I want the convenience of digital, do they have a right to double-dip for royalties and profits?  I don’t think so.  I purchased the songs already.
3. Download the albums from a P2P network.  This is absolutely illegal, without question.  But should it be?  Like I said before, I already own the album in some format.  Ripping it with a USB device and downloading the songs both produce the same end result - an mp3 file of a song I already own fair use rights to.

So why not cut out the middle man?  Why not just download the files using Limewire or something similar?  Is is really necessary for me to purchase a USB device to get the music?  Overall point being that downloading music is not always theft.  There should be a more flexible way to define acceptable use of a P2P network service.

Of course there should also be a more realistic way to deal with music licensing.  There really is nothing preventing me from sharing my digital music with a friend - not even a legitimate threat of prosecution.  If the laws are by definition unenforceable, then why are they laws in the first place?  Not that I am advocating giving all your music away for free, or downloading everything from a network, because that would be ‘wrong’.  The artists do deserve some sort of money for their efforts, after all.  And the record companies who fronted the cash for the recording in the first place deserve a cut, I suppose.

Then again, most artists don’t make much money off of album sales.  A lot make money just by having their songs played on the radio.  Even more make their money by going on tour and selling t-shirts.  Maybe the best way to handle music licensing is to just give the stuff away for free.  You can’t even imagine the kinds of problems this would solve.  Recording costs would decrease, because the amount of mastering required to produce mp3s would be much less than producing a CD.  The physical production costs would pretty much disappear.  The record company wouldn’t even have to host the download of the album - they could just release it to a P2P and watch the hits come rolling in.  They could even legitimize P2Ps with funding and advertising.  Since the production and distribution costs would be lower, a greater range of record companies could enter the market, and there would be more listenable indy stuff from really great bands available.

Of course I’ve just sinned against America.  I’ve implied that the high expenditure of capital leading to obscene profit is largely unjustified, and should be phased out.  In the midst of a recession, no less!  I’ll probably get a call from the Secret Service pretty soon.  But I’m serious about this.  Either everyone in America continues to be a criminal, or we let all that slide and figure out some other way to do it.  I opt for the later, anybody else with me?

When I was in Bali last autumn, I had a nice little hotel in downtown Kuta, about 4 blocks from where all the happening bars and restaurants and shopping are. Four lousy blocks, no reason to cab about, right? Even though I had an ingrown toenail and a strange foot fungus, it was still only 4 blocks. Even though I could well afford a taxi, I chose not to, because to take a taxi for only 4 blocks is just plain wrong in so many ways that I can’t even begin to describe it. Point being, I walked everywhere, and never took a taxi.

Not that there weren’t literally millions of opportunities to find a taxi. Bali has taxi drivers and taxi hawkers. A taxi hawker is someone who will hail a cab for you, and gets a percentage from the taxi driver. Both the drivers and the hawkers automatically assumed that since I was not already in a taxi, I must not know how to hail one by myself. Thus I was perpetually hounded to take a taxi. Twenty times on every block, I had some guy hollering “Taxi?” at me. Or “Transport?” that’s common too. A couple of the more clever ones tried to blend in with me, like “G’day, mate, need a cab?” because statistically speaking, pretty much all white men in Indonesia are Australians. The only thing I ever said was “Tida taxi,” which basically means ‘never taxi’. Nobody understood that I was perfectly capable of walking, and that I could hail a taxi alone anytime.

You can’t really be mad at them, though - they’re just trying to earn a buck. Australians flock to Indonesia and spend a fortune on drinks and surfboards and Bintang t-shirts and taxi rides, so everyone is trying to get in on the action. In a country as poor as Indonesia, where the locals don’t live nearly as well as the tourists they host, a mad scramble for cash is probably inherent. And isn’t that the capitalist dream, to work a little harder, make a little more money, and eventually be rich enough to not have to work anymore?

The whole process is not unlike email spam. I get a couple hundred emails a week from porn slingers and mortgage brokers and international finance swindlers. Believe me, I know how to find porn on the internet. Hell, I could probably write critiques of the porn spammers inform me of. When I get a house and need to refinance it, I’ll go find myself a lending bank, and compare/contrast every single one of them to get the best rate and the best service. And when (not if, when) I decide to go into money laundering, I’ll use my own personal contacts in Sierra Leone to broker myself the best markup. I don’t need any help finding things on my own. Hey, when I do, who’s going to be answering my questions - an anonymous email coming from a protected ISP in Russia?

And ya know what? The same strategy is used to sell cars and movie tickets. Ever notice that your local Chevy dealer has a year-end clearance sale every couple of weeks? There’s an ad for it on TV during every single commercial break of every single day on every single ad-revenue channel. There’s also a ridiculous number of reminders as to what movie you might wish to see this weekend. One of the worst in recent memory was for the 2001 Chris Kattan shitburger Corky Romano. There must have been 4000 ad spots per day for that damn thing. And from what I can tell, they gave away the best parts of the movie in the trailer.

I understand what they’re trying to do. People don’t actually go out and buy a car every time there’s a sale (much to Ford’s disappointment). But the manufacturer wants their name to be on people’s minds when they decide it is time for a new car. Warner Brothers wants people to be considering how funny, smart, and romantic Fool’s Gold is when they decide what movie to see this weekend. It’s putting a name out there. Coca-Cola is the most popular product in the world, and it’s not just because it’s the only one available in most places (they buy up foreign soda manufacturers like crazy). It’s because everyone has heard the name, and brand recognition leads to sales.

(Personally, when I watch TV commercials, I make lists of what products not to buy based on how shitty their commercials are)

So it’s all just people trying to earn a buck. Put your name out there, spread the buzz, feed the hype. Advertising has never in history been specifically linked to sales, simply because you can never prove that kind of causality. But what if ads really did lead to sales? You’d be a fool not to get on the bandwagon and advertise the hell out of your product.

And isn’t that what spam is? Advertising? People trying to earn a buck? Aside from the inappropriateness of porn advertising graphics, are spammers really doing anything wrong? In my opinion, yes they are. But so is every major corporation in America. And nobody is talking about shutting them down, are they?

Let’s get a couple things straight, right off the bat. First of all, I don’t go see movies in the theater very often. Mostly because I’m a dateless loser. Also because there’s a lot of garbage at the theater these days. Secondly, when I do go see a movie, I prefer it not be a chick/date movie like 27 Dresses. But every once in a while, I do hit the theater, and every once in awhile I pick movies based on things other than genre, plot, or cinematic potential.

Here’s the thing: Katherine Heigl is hot. There just ain’t no other way to say it. She’s got bod, she’s got face, she’s got hair. She looks good in scrubs with tear-streamed makeup running down her face. Even when her stylists and directors don’t want her to look good, she still does, and that’s beauty right there. But beauty isn’t everything. With all her incredible features and million-dollar hairstyle and professionally designed dresses, she can’t sell the image of a bride on her wedding day.

In her defense, though, nobody can. I’ve seen thousands of movies featuring the most incredible and gorgeous actresses to ever grace a stage, and when they put on the veils and do up their hair and hold bouquets, they can’t sell it either. It’s more than just a bunch of props. A girl on her wedding day is beautiful - and it’s not because of anything physical. It’s a certain light behind her eyes, a light that infects every muscle in her face, and exudes from every pore of her body. It’s the closest thing we humans can get to magic, and it’s just for that one day. No actress EVER has gotten it right.

As for selling the idea of a bridesmaid - the really hot girl in the temporary dress - well, Katherine nails that one. 27 times.

PG-13, directed by Anne Fletcher, starring James Marsden, Edward Burns, Judy Greer, Malin Akerman, and the delectable Katherine Heigl.